It is strange how clearly you can see things in the past once time has passed and circumstances have changed. I look back on the second pregnancy and realize that things were wrong from the beginning. I thought I was sick, and I know that I certainly didn't feel good, but compared to how I've been feeling the last few days, I was hardly sick at all. It has also brought back memories of my pregnancy with Jack even clearer--this is how intense it was with him.
And yet, it is a little bit different, too. With Jack I couldn't eat, even though I needed to, and with this one I HAVE to eat. It's like I don't have a choice. I can be laying there thinking, "I need to throw up" and in the same second thinking "I need to eat". The two do NOT go together very well, since the last thing my stomach is telling me is that I need to put something in my mouth, and yet, I am compelled to eat. It's really weird. It's also completely consuming. I spend most of my time running through a list of foods in my brain, testing them to see if they would be an acceptable choice--does it sound remotely good? Will I feel like I want to throw up after I eat it? Can I put it in my mouth without gagging? Ugggh. It's exhausting. For instance, Jeff just ran into town to the hardware store, and after he left I immediately starting thinking about the fast food places that he would pass to and from the store. Is there something there that I could eat? Hmmmmmm, cheeseburger? No. French fries? Blechy. Chicken nuggets? Gag. Salad? Hmm...with that raspberry vineagrette dressing I have in the fridge? Well, maybe. So I immediately place the call to Jeff, and now I have a Chicken Bacon Ranch Salad coming from McDonald's. Let's hope he gets here soon before I change my mind.
It's very hard. For some reason, I think it must have to do with the hormone surges that make me feel sick, but I also have horrible hot flashes and feel achy all over--has anyone else every experienced this? There are times that I could swear I am running a fever. It only happens when I am feeling extremely sick, usually at night, around the same time every night. I actually can feel the sickness coming on because I start to feel achy, then feverish, and then, bam! The wave hits! I have not actually thrown up. I only feel as though I might at any time. I do gag alot, and Jeff has suggested that I go make myself throw up, which would be very easy to do, but I'm afraid that if I do that I won't be able to stop. I don't like to throw up, but I can handle it if I do. I actually know someone who is 35 and hasn't thrown up since, like, second grade, and I find myself thinking, what would he do if felt like this? Crazy thoughts like that enter your brain at random while all of this is going on.
The good news is......this is an indication of good hormones, and good hormones means healthy baby. I am by no means bemoaning the fact that I am pregnant. I know that this is all a good sign, and can remember with my miscarriage that by this stage in the game I had already begun to lose my morning sickness. So, I am willing to deal with it, but it does get the better of me--alot. Jeff has been great in reminding me that it will pass, and that I can make it. This is hard for him too, in a different way. I think he feels helpless alot.
I'm continuing to sing with worship team at church, but I'm not sure how long it will last. I just keep telling myself that once this phase is over I will really feel great and be sorry that I gave it up. So I am really trying to hang in there. Last Sunday was very hard, and I got very sick Sunday night, but the good thing is that I feel the best first thing in the morning, so hopefully I can stay the course. Singing seems to make me feel better.
Well, this has been one long ramble about me, me, me, hasn't it? Sorry, it's kind of therapeutic to talk about it, and well, this is my blog after all. I have to stop now though, because the pressing thoughts about the Chicken Bacon Ranch Salad are starting to overpower my ability to construct coherent sentences.