Friday, April 07, 2006

Sad Mommy

I've mentioned before that I have started weaning Jack from breastfeeding. Today I am feeling quite sad about the whole thing. I had not anticipated weaning him at just 4 months. When Jack was born I was fiercely dedicated to the whole idea of nursing, and not even cracked, bleeding nipples or pain that took my breath away stopped me from feeding him. I knew that if I was going to make it work it would at times be very hard, but that it was worth it. I stuck with it and have to say that it is probably the most rewarding thing about being a mother that I have yet to experience. It's a very intimate thing between mother and baby, and for Jack and me, it's over. Today I gave him cereal with a spoon (since the doctor said it was ok) and I experienced a kind of grim satisfaction in seeing him try to "latch on" to the spoon and then spit out the cereal when he realized that it was not what he thought it was. He still has the baby reflex to force his tongue out when food is in his mouth, and I know that it means that he is still too young. I would just rather go on nursing him.

Like other things in life, sometimes we don't get what we want. Sometimes what we want is a good thing, and so it's confusing to understand why we might not be getting it. Ultimately, we have to trust that a heavenly Father knows the difference between a good thing and the best thing. For some reason I am being allowed to go through what some might consider a very minor trial of weaning my child. For me, it's much more than minor, but I have to trust that it is the best thing for me, and for Jack. So I will do that, also knowing that the same Father allowing the trial also understands the lump in my throat and the tears that come unbidden when no one is looking.

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